Sassafrazzled

crybaby

Tonight, for the first time, I came head-to-head with something I am going to have to deal with alot more in the not so distant future: young, happy, glowing, pregnant women. That's right, there were five of us in the room, two of whom were very very pregnant. I wanted to crawl into a corner and cry. I want all my girlfriends to have babies and be happy, but this first encounter really stung. There is a certain 'survivor talk' that seems to get tossed around alot, and what I'm about to say definitely does not qualify. I really wanted a bump one day. That's why I saved all of my books and clothes and toys. I was the kid who played house and mommy and had a thousand dolls. And now this has been taken away from me, and its been taken away from Christopher, and its not fair. Even if my ovaries come out of this in one piece, and a surrogate is waiting, and science is on our side, it's still not fair. Even if none of that works and adoption is the only way, I will still be a good mom, but it's still not fair. Even if kids are never in my cards and I end up having 15 labrodoodles, it's still not fair. It's still not fair that my body, my fertility, has betrayed me. I am so angry at it, I just want to beat the shit out of myself. At this very moment, I don't want to hear anything about yellow wristbands, or serenity prayers, or any kind of prayer, or relays for life, or inspirational cancer survivor stories. Because right now all I want to do is cry. And because it's Sunday night, and I just spent the night with two very pregnant women, and because my body is beaten and bruised, I am entitled to this. In thirty years I'll give you the cancer survivor talk, but right now I just wish everything was normal again.

posted by Stephanie @ 11:45 p.m.