Sassafrazzled

it was so close

posted by Stephanie @ 1:04 p.m. 3 comments

back to my old self....

It's been a while. But I'm drunk. As a skunk. I spent the day with my Aunt Randi (of Easter Booze Hunt fame) and cousin Wendy (who will be 21 on Thursday, happy birthday girl!) at a Vine Dining - an eating and drinking extravagansga. There were about 50 tents on this vineyard in Niagara-on-the-Lake, alternating between food and wine. The food was unbelievable and the wine was incredible. Who knew you could get so drunk off of samples? It's a good sunday. Mwah! Oh, and we travelled by school bus. I don't think I've drank wine on a school bus since my grade 10 field trip to the Andy Warhol exhibition. Muchos Mwah! Pictures to follow soon, I hope.

posted by Stephanie @ 8:09 p.m. 3 comments

I have cancer, and all I got was this stupid blog

Since I started this whole cancer thing, I've been reading a couple of forums for women with gynecological cancers. It seems like most of the women who contribute to these forums have been forever changed by their diagnosis. Some have discovered Reiki, others have found God. These women track their bowel movements and contemplate their mortality. They speak of severe depression and counselling sessions. This makes me wonder, what the hell is wrong with me? Cancer hasn't changed me. It hasn't made me appreciate sunsets more or make me want to learn how to make biscotti. Am I emotionally made of stone? Or are these past couple of months going to build up, explode and kick my ass?

posted by Stephanie @ 10:30 a.m. 3 comments

ch-ch-ch-changes

Well folks, I am officially a free woman. No more daily appointments, no more exposed bum, no more internal rads (which sadly means, no more lovely nurses and strong sedatives), and no more needles. With this new found freedom also comes a price - the watchful waiting period. When people ask me what has been the hardest part of this whole cancer thing, I say that I haven't reached it yet. When I was first diagnosed, I threw myself right into the medical system and knew that the ball was about to get rollin'. During my seven weeks of treatment, I knew that the radiation was doing its job and shrinking the bastard. This whole time I have been doing stuff to be well. Now all I can do is wait for check-ups and I think that is going to be the hardest part. My first follow-up appointment is August 9, and I'm nervous already. My doc said that the radiation continues to do its job well after the beams have stopped zappin', and that sometimes it takes months. I gave my doc a big hug while seriously sedated after my last treatment and think I might have stuttered a 'I love you, man' a la drunken Steph.

In other non-cancer related news, Christopher has come and left. Things are so much better when he's around. We went to a baseball game, watched alot of hockey, ate alot of chicken wings, swam in Lake Huron, walked along the beach in Grand Bend, celebrated my dad's 60th birthday, bought a wicked tent, went for a boat ride, dined on top of the CN Tower, and tried to get out of Scarborough as much as possible.

I will be heading back to ol London town soon, but will be flying back alot, so don't be sad to see me go.

posted by Stephanie @ 1:25 p.m. 2 comments

roll on Friday

First off, let me start with: CHRISTOPHER GETS HERE TOMORROW!!! Give me a big 'hell yeah'. The last time I saw him was in April and that's way too long ago. Here's hoping that's the end of our extended time apart from one another. Enough is enough, this girl is ready to go to London.

It's Thursday and Thursday means my body is aching for Friday to arrive. Tuesday was my last chemo, and I'm almost going to miss the nurses in the chemo ward. I still told them I never wanted to see their face again, unless it was on the street or in the grocery store, and they felt the same way. My magnesium levels were super-low though, so I ended up spending 5 hours in chemo while they hooked me up to a magenesium drip. I was there all day l-o-n-g.

Today was my third internal zzzap and I've been promoted to no general anaesthesia! The doc told me that because I've been so easy, and because I appear to have a 'calm disposition', that a strong sedative would be just fine. When she told me this, I automatically said 'no', because I really did not want to feel anything, or know what was going on, but she convinced me in the end. I'm glad too, because I was completley out of it and did not feel or know a thing, and I came too alot faster in recovery. Good times had by all. Except for the woman in the bed next to me who had to have a blood transfusion.

In world news, today the U.S. has approved the cervical cancer vaccine, which is so exciting. There are two types of the virus that causes 70% of cervical cancer cases (except for mine, because apparantly I am a freak of nature and like to be in the small slices of pie charts), and this vaccine will prevent these viruses, and hence will prevent 70% of cervical cancer. Hopefully Canada and the rest of the world will follow suit soon, which would prevent alot of girls in the future having to get poked with a radiation wand every Thursday. And that, my friends, is a good thing.

posted by Stephanie @ 6:00 p.m. 0 comments

crybaby

Tonight, for the first time, I came head-to-head with something I am going to have to deal with alot more in the not so distant future: young, happy, glowing, pregnant women. That's right, there were five of us in the room, two of whom were very very pregnant. I wanted to crawl into a corner and cry. I want all my girlfriends to have babies and be happy, but this first encounter really stung. There is a certain 'survivor talk' that seems to get tossed around alot, and what I'm about to say definitely does not qualify. I really wanted a bump one day. That's why I saved all of my books and clothes and toys. I was the kid who played house and mommy and had a thousand dolls. And now this has been taken away from me, and its been taken away from Christopher, and its not fair. Even if my ovaries come out of this in one piece, and a surrogate is waiting, and science is on our side, it's still not fair. Even if none of that works and adoption is the only way, I will still be a good mom, but it's still not fair. Even if kids are never in my cards and I end up having 15 labrodoodles, it's still not fair. It's still not fair that my body, my fertility, has betrayed me. I am so angry at it, I just want to beat the shit out of myself. At this very moment, I don't want to hear anything about yellow wristbands, or serenity prayers, or any kind of prayer, or relays for life, or inspirational cancer survivor stories. Because right now all I want to do is cry. And because it's Sunday night, and I just spent the night with two very pregnant women, and because my body is beaten and bruised, I am entitled to this. In thirty years I'll give you the cancer survivor talk, but right now I just wish everything was normal again.

posted by Stephanie @ 11:45 p.m. 3 comments

well, that was awkward...

Today was my second internal zap and everything went a-ok, thanks to my good friend Mr Anaesthesiologist and his wonderful drugs. Mr Anaesthesiologist turned out to be my mom's best friend's son, so that was cause for a little awkwardness.

Doc: "Hi Stephanie, I'm Dr Idestrup, your Aneanaesthiologist today"
Me: "Chris? It's Stephanie, Stephanie Downs!"
Doc: *look of slow recognition*
Me: "Small world...fancy meeting you here!"
Doc: "Stephanieeee...are you comfortable with me administering your anaesthetics?"
Me: "Hell ya! If anything goes wrong my parents will have your head on a platter. They're out in the waiting room, maybe you should go say hello"

So, of he trots to see my folks and they were *ecstatic* that a close family friend was knockin me out. My mom's on the phone right now with his mom. Such a crazy small world.

posted by Stephanie @ 4:21 p.m. 1 comments